AND THE SKY WAS ON MY SIDE.

I couldn’t move. I decided it was because my clothes were too heavy. But really, the sky was too captivating. I was weak. I needed to be captivated. My limbs became loose, and the wind began commanding.

And the storm hugged me.              

                                                                                                             

I welcomed the sting. The sting concealed my body, and painted me with a mask. He was my favorite layer. He felt clean. The wet was so kind. He burned a little. But Rain loved me. He stayed with me when dry warmth had lied.     

   

       And with a humble blanket, Rain covered my withering body.

The storm was heavy. But the lightning was weightless. She lifted my blanket and I felt exposed. My eyes were too weak to be flashed with so many weaknesses. She mocked me. But I could not move. I had no strength to mock her back. Then she left, and my pain was again hidden in the mess of darkness.   

And Lightning showed me that I was truly alone.

The thunder was the most generous. He handed me a seamless moment of distraction. His voice rang with beautiful power, holding me in his strong grasp. My broken soul began to relax to his heart-shaking lullaby. And I felt safe. And no one could hear me. And I couldn’t hear myself. 

And thunder drowned out what my ears could not. 

  And for a flawless instant, I felt complete.    

                           

And for a flawless instant, I forgot that I wasn’t.

Here are my fears. Keep them safe.

I’m afraid of revealing my fears. 

I’m afraid they will reveal me. And I’m so afraid of exposing who I really am. 

I’m afraid to be honest. 

I’m afraid that I know it’s time for me to trust. 

Trust and write.

I’m afraid that the ones I have worked so hard to build relationships with, will forget about the whys, and just get sick of me.

I’m afraid I’ll never feel closure for missing my best friend’s funeral. I’m afraid of our future memories that will never have a chance.

I’m afraid of how much I worry about other people. It can’t be healthy. I’m afraid no one will worry about me the way I worry about them.

I’m afraid I’ll be the initiator forever.

I’m afraid that I’ll miss out on a moment. One that could have changed everything.

I’m afraid I’ll keep putting off trying to reach out to my grandma. And then one day, it will be too late. 

I'm afraid my memories will never stop haunting me. I'm afraid I'll never be able to control that.

I’m afraid of dying from toxic shock syndrome. Seriously though. That’s probably the most awkward and embarrassing way to die.

I’m afraid of what people will think of me after publishing this.

I’m afraid someone will find out how much I read these blogs. I’m afraid people won’t know how much I appreciate every post. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m an ignorant nerd for saying that.

I’m afraid he has no idea what he did to me and will just make me feel guilty till the day I die. And he'll be happy. I’m afraid of how easily I break when I mention him. It makes me scared that no guy will ever want to deal with me. I’m afraid to admit that, because I just lost any potential with the guys reading this.

I’m afraid someone will figure out my password. It’s the same for everything. And super stupid.

I’m afraid of being the one who judges and the one who ignores.

I’m afraid that no one will understand how much I feel. They won’t know I’m crying for them, or how badly I just want to make them to feel better. I’m afraid of people using that against me.

I’m afraid my future husband will hate how much I love messes.

I’m too afraid not to thank Sophie Hatter. She makes me feel like someone understands. I needed that. I’m afraid I'm a creeper for saying this.

I’m afraid that no one will know how scary that was for me to admit. I don’t even know you.

I’m afraid I’ll lose my childhood memory box. Figuratively and literally.

I’m afraid how badly I want something to happen to me. Not death. But something drastic enough to be noticed. Drastic enough to make me a better person. To take my fears away.

I’m afraid of always being the one sitting awkwardly while everyone is texting. I’m afraid my company isn’t worth enjoying.

I’m afraid of explaining why I am the way I am. What if you think I’m just saying meaningless words? What if you think I want pity? I’m afraid of you never knowing.

I’m afraid for this school year to end. I won’t have a safe place to confide in whoever will listen. I’m afraid no one will listen. I'm afraid to leave Paris

I’m afraid my obituary won’t describe me right. And I will die a stranger.

I’m afraid to admit that I want the mountain to catch fire again. I love fire. I love the intensity. I love that it shows us how much we are not in control. I’m afraid that fire and I are on one side, and humanity is on the other.

I'm afraid of extreme cold. Like... Really afraid. 

I’m afraid of confessing my fears. I'm afraid to feel vulnerable again. I’m afraid people will think I have stupid fears. I hate saying that. I wish I didn’t. 

I'm afraid that this is too long, and people will get bored, and no one will finish it. I'm afraid there's no point in reading this whole thing. I'm afraid that my words will just get lost in the wind and vanish. Making my fears meaningless. 

I'm afraid I fear things that don't matter.
 

Notice Me.

To the helpless baby left in her crib, crying for help.

To the little boy who spent hours coloring a picture for daddy, only for it to be thrown away.

To the one who tries to make a friend and is returned by being ignored and mistreated. Now they’ll never try again.

To the one walking down the hall screaming inside for someone to JUST PLEASE NOTICE ME.

To the hopeless son praying to God to simply be heard.

To the lonely daughter repeating the same demeaning words to herself. Because that’s how many times they were spoken to her.

To the one sitting alone.

To the one pretending to text.

To the one you keep walking past.

TO THE ONE.

To the one who needs a moment.

Just one deserving moment, to be noticed.

And to never again forgetting to BE AWARE.

I'm thinking we were made for each other. Probably

Nope sorry. Can’t think about you.

Can’t think when I think about you.

But there is someone I can think about.

I think about the person I want. #Notyou

He may be imaginary.

He may be breathing. Slowly. Deeply.

Like me.

I start to wonder about you like my mind wonders down to the beach.

You know. That secluded breathtaking one?

Ya. That’s where we’ll meet.

Probably.

I know you’re out there. Well, I’m sure banking on it.

And if you are, then dang boy! I’m thinking about you like CRAZY.

I’m thinking about your eyes like a blind person.

I want to see them.

Hazel.

Probably.

I’m thinking about your smile like Alpine thinks about straight white couples.

But I’m thinking your teeth are whiter. And straighter.

Probably.

I wonder what you’re like.

I’m hoping I’m what you like.

Because I’m thinking about you like the wind thinks about a kite. #Effortless

I’m thinking about you like flowers think about blooming

Like yarn thinks about looming

Like boys think about mooning

I’m thinking about you like the moon thinks about why someone would steal it’s innocent name to refer to a vulgar gesture.

I’m thinking about you like flags think about not being noticed.

I’m thinking about you like outlets think about plugs

Like I think about your hugs

Like grandmas think about hugs.

I’m thinking about you like hypochondriacs think about sneezing

Like bullies think about teasing

Like cream thinks about freezing

Like Han Solo thinks about… freezing. Hah.

I’m thinking about you like bulls think about red

Like pencils think about lead

Like gangsters think about lead

Like lead thinks about being the instrument to write something beautiful.

I’m thinking about you like skateboards think about shredding

Like papers think about shredding

Like cheese thinks about… Taco soup.

I’m thinking about you like the dying think about God and God thinks about wanting to help.

I’m thinking about you like kids think about lying and I think about lying down with you.

I’m thinking about you like clocks think about alarming and marines think about arming.

I’m thinking about you like tubas think about lips and Earrings think about ears.

I’m thinking about you like computers think about looking up

Like planes think about looking down

Like frowns think about turning around

Like Ice cream thinks about churning.

Like my stomach thinks about turning every time I think about you.

I’m thinking… That I have no idea who you are.

Yet, I can’t help but think.

Think that you and I were meant to think about each other.

So here’s my kindly reminder that you’re on my mind.

Keep an eye out for me.

I’ll be the one with the glazed eyes and tilted head. Deep in thought.

Wanting you like clouds want shade.

Probably.