This is My Awakening.

This is for your 35 on the ACT

I just thought you could use some more recognition. Winning the 7^th best speech in the nation wasn’t enough… You only got a shirt.

What a good idea. Give the shirt to me. Give it to the girl so easily hurt. We’ll make it a game. I’ll come up with the theory:

Worthless girls are bendable.

The less self confidence, the easier to mold.

Mold into exactly what you want: The best.

You only deserve the best.

Before you engage in this brilliant plan. I have one piece of advice:

Act slowly.

Make her believe she’s finally being treated right. After all, how could someone like you, treat a girl wrong?

But to control her completely, you’ll have to take it up a notch. Be sure to tell her how much you love her. That you don’t deserve her, and that she alone, has changed your life forever.

Well played.

Dick.

This is for who I used to be.

Who I used to be before you trained me to become something ‘better’.

Well, I’m a stranger now. Someone I don’t even know. Yet, I feel an old friend, a familiar heart beat. I feel. I feel. Why do I still have to feel?

Oh yes. I remember. Because that was what you loved so much about me, how much I could feel, how much I feel for others, how much I feel for myself.

This, you let me keep.

I wish you took it along with my laughter: So easily.

But you didn’t. And I’m left to feel my heartbeat. Feel each pound grow a little deeper, crushing every nerve a little more. Only this constant throb would cause me to fall back into the arms of the one causing me pain. Only you can fix it. Only you know how. Only you, accept the real me.

I’m sorry for falling so easily.

It’s like my feet are being pulled out from under me.

Like I’m being tripped by someone.

Not by you. You would never.

No. I’m not being tripped, I’m just clumsy.

I’m sorry for being clumsy. Thank you for always picking me up. I know you love me.

This is for your success.

I’m truly impressed how sufficiently you destroyed me. Friends gave warnings as you scorned, but I never even guessed.

Well done.

You must have quite the imagination to achieve this new creation.

You must be smart.

How long have you been planning? Silently ripping, replacing, perfecting and directing. You successfully transformed me to fit into your mold.

You must be smart.

You must have lied. You must have believed I wasn’t even alive. You must be mad. 

You must love me to go through so much trouble.

You must be smart.

This is for your kiss.

The magic so thick, it drowns out the eerie sounds of my shattering heart.

I didn’t even notice you sweeping the pieces under the rug.

Such an incredible kiss.

Thank you for protecting me from that terrible sound.

You always know what’s best for me.

This is for your reminders.

All the remaining reminders you held in our binders for me to hold onto. Left for me to remember what we had. I promised. I’m holding onto them tight. You’re right. They motivate me to work harder. I can always improve. To build a better me, perfect for you. Perfect for you to leave behind. Now I’m left with your sweet tokens. I guess I’ll use them to help me remember December. How I finally made you unclasp your careless grasp.

Because you were right. I don’t deserve you.

Thank you for the reminders.

NO! That’s not why. I wanted to believe that someone as broken as me could maybe find someone that could fix me up. Not like the way you did. But back to the old me. I miss me.

But I swear I miss you more. I was stupid to let you slip away.

You’re right. How could I have been so stupid.

But you made too many songs ‘our song’

That’s a lot of wasted music.

Every note lingering in my head. Mocking me.

But I’ll keep my promise. I won’t forget one song, or one moment. I’ll think of them and I’ll want to be better.

THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.

THIS HAS NEVER BEEN FOR YOU. Won’t I EVER be good enough?

Just tell me. TELL ME!

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to shout.. You deserve so much better.

Thanks for reminding me.

This is for my pain.

You are the only one who can cause me such deep pain. You are the only one who can heal this deep pain. Your absence brings me pain. More than I knew was possible. Instead of sleep, I crave your approval. I can’t forget. You made me that way, a sickness. So please stop the torture. Please. I need freedom. I need to forget. It hurts. It hurts too badly. Please. Please stop hurting me.

I need you. I need you to heal me. You are my only source of peace. You are special. You are remarkable. You make me so happy. You are the only one who can stop the torment. Please never leave me.

Yes you know exactly how to bring me guilt. You know exactly how to make me suffer. No I didn’t mean that! Please don’t leave. I know you can free my pain. Just please. Stop causing it first. Thank you for easing my pain. I couldn’t have done it without you. I’m sorry I made you hurt me.

For the first time,

THIS IS FOR MY HEART.

You did this to me. I let you do this to me. But I swear if you correct me one more time, I’ll scream. The kind of scream that will release two years of feelings you never let me set free. I’ll scream louder than the crash of the phone you shattered. Louder than the guitar you ripped apart.

I saw.

I saw that glimpse of derange in your eye. The one you pretend not to have. I saw the rooms. Torn apart. I saw. But I’m silent. I can’t disappoint you again. I’m scared. Please stop convincing me it’s my fault. Please just see what you’re doing to me.

Or maybe, what I’m doing to myself. I’m sorry for blaming you.

I’m lucky to have a guy as flawless as you. I’ll really try to prove to you that I DO deserve you. I’m trying. Mostly hiding my imperfections, but It’s hard to please you when I’m constantly worried of misusing a semicolon.

College only hardened you.

This is for the time I finally got a 3.9

This is for the flowers.

This is for the scolding I received afterword.

This is for trying to remember who I really am.

But I don’t have a good memory.

Somehow, I’m still here. Here with your words residing in my ear. Don’t worry. I’ll never forget what you taught me: The real me Isn’t good enough.

I used to think I was.

But I don’t have a good memory.

This is for Paris.

For helping me let go. For welcoming me into It’s peaceful world of possibilities. Here, I am safe. Here, I can tell secrets. Secrets that I can finally set free.

This is for my new sanctuary.

You can’t hurt me here.

Enjoy Harvard.

I’ll be in Paris.