Addicted to Thievery

"I want to be someone who picks up the phone to call her mistakes and tells them she's sorry for making them worry but she needs to leave them behind." -Sophie Hatter

"You never spoke,So she never learned how to release the words inside her.And oh there were words inside her, After all she was your daughter." -Ernest Worthing

"I only wish to breathe without turning something into dust". -Hermione Stryder

"I remember the day I wanted to write, so you'd like me a little. She's definitly why I started." -Alexander James

"I love you, but I don't know if you love me so I might hate you." -Alice C.

"If there was a sidewalk to the moon, I'd walk every single one of the 239,000 miles just to be alone for a while." -Scriver

"And there's not much to be done but cling on to what we have left and hope that it's enough." -Quiet Madness

"There are so many people for us to meet, that have not had the opportunity to change us." -Cora S. Holmes

"I told God what I needed- but it was useless cause he already knew." -Evan Lindstrom

"That was the problem; I could still feel you." -V.

"You are my anchor. Not that I'm trying to leave, it's just that the wind blows sometimes and I can't help it." -Sean Daley

"How can the word love even come out of this mouth that tells so many lies? At least my lips are pretty. Can lips be pretty?" -Kat Stratford

"My favorite word is magic. Because it's one of the only words I feel when I say." -A Lady

"I used to wish upon the stars to be like a star, to be part of something big, beautiful, to grant wishes, and guide the lost at sea." -Leo Tripple

"They say that you have my eyes. And I never have the heart to correct them." -H. Minor




To you and  everyone else, 
Thank you

Reminiscing

I remember running out of my room in my dad's oversize shirt to see her new haircut. I remember thinking that she looked too different.

I remember hiding behind the wall as I could hear my great aunt bawling. I will never forget how she wailed and how terrifying it felt. I can still hear her resounding in my ear. "What about my sister?!"

I remember Braden and Bryson hid the ball in the boys bathroom at the pool. They didn't think we had the guts. I remember Hailey and I winning and laughing as we both decided that these were the boys we would marry. I remember remembering that moment the day that she died.

I remember how poor her family was. But that night they took us to see Hairspray for the last day of my visit. For the last day I would ever see her.

I remember sleeping on the balcony so I could catch the Easter Bunny. I remember being completely terrified.

I remember my favorite place on earth: 6715 Canter Glen Court Cumming GA 30040

I remember the night Lexi moved away. She gave me a yellow rose from the bouquet she won at her ice skating competition. I remember I slept with that rose and cried all night.

I remember grandma yelling at me because I picked all the raspberries. I remember zoning out and thinking about how awesome of a grandma my mom was going to make.

I remember the night I found out about his addictions. I kept obsessing over trying to tie my hair back with that stupid elastic.

I remember how Braden held my hand in the hot tub after not seeing him for years. Our siblings talked about how fun it will be to hold hands. 

I remember getting the talk. My parents took me to Outback Steakhouse and all I cared about was getting another IBC root beer. Now every time I have one, all I can think of is sex.

I wish I could forget that moment where you almost told me 'I love you' for the first time. But decided to save it for Valentines Day.

I remember that last hike with Papa. I was the only one who stayed with him. 

I remember his funeral. I remember feeling bad for being excited to ride in a limo for the first time.

I remember when Heath finally asked me to dance in 6th grade. It was to the song "You're Beautiful" we were both shaking and smiling for the first half, then he asked me what color my toothbrush was.

I remember when I squished my hamster. I remember looking up at the garbage can where my dad disposed of it frantically mumbling: "I'm sorry I'm sorry" over and over again. I remember not knowing what to do with the blood stained shoe that kept telling me I was a murderer.

I remember how Kayla always had braided pigtails with pink balls hanging from the elastics. And I still remember how we smiled at each other after getting in trouble for talking during nap time. I then closed my eyes and was confused as to why I had a different color of skin than my best friend.

I admit it. I can't do this alone.

 

It was just sitting there. Waiting for me.

 Was I too prideful? Or maybe just too forgetful. Did I keep putting off this amenity thinking this virus could wait? I don’t know.

 I hated that this problem had silently infested itself into my life. But it’s become a heavy part of me. A dark place that I should never want to escape to. But I do. I do because at least it’s familiar.

All I knew was that I couldn’t let it go. I hope it’s just because I’m a coward, and not the host of a sick and twisted mind. Either way. Help was just sitting there. Sitting on that stained and chipped countertop. Rotting.

Not rotting. Gods help doesn’t rot. But it should have been. It should have been decaying with every day I ignored it. But no. It was perfect. Just patiently waiting for me to simply ask for it. Waiting for me to realize that it wasn’t as complicated as I maybe wanted it to be. Waiting for me to become strong enough to give it away. Give it to him. And move on.

It’s time.

EXPOSURE

Repeatedly robbing your love without penalties.      A new chapter is perception that life can matter.

Accidents present memory of life.                         The wild extended acquaintances.

Release.

I hope this old train breaks down

Then I could TAKE A WALK around

And, see what there is to see

And time is just a melody

All the people in the street

Walk as fast as their feet can take them

I just ROLL through town

And though my windows got a view

The frame I'm looking through

Seems to have no concern for now

So for now

I need this

Old train to breakdown

Oh PLEASE just

Let me please breakdown

This engine screams out loud

Centipede gonna crawl westbound

So I don't even make a sound

Cause it's gonna sting me when I leave this town

All the people in the street

That I'LL NEVER GET TO MEET

If these tracks don't bend somehow

 And I got no time 

 That I got to get to 

To where I don't need to be

 Where I don't need to be 

So I

I NEED this

Old train to breakdown

Oh please just

Let me please breakdown

I need this

Old train to breakdown

Oh please just

Let me please breakdown

I wanna break on down

But I cant stop now

Let me break on down

But you cant stop nothing

If you got no control

Of the thoughts in your mind

That you kept in, you know

You don't know nothing

But you don't need to know

The wisdoms in the trees

Not the glass windows

You cant stop wishing

If you don't LET GO

But things that you find

And you lose, and you know

You keep on rolling

Put the moment on hold

The frames TOO BRIGHT

So put the blinds down low

I need this

Old train to breakdown

Oh please just

Let me please breakdown

need this

Old train to breakdown

Oh PLEASE just

Let me please breakdown

I wanna break on down

But I cant stop now

-Jack Johnson

Sad Chairs

Wishing on you took too much change

And I'll keep pretending I'm strong enough to catch you when you fall

Going nowhere

Patiently waiting

Still reflecting on what could have been

Beautifully deceptive 

SIXERS

                              **COUNT MY LOVE IN THE STARS**

    Discovering it's okay to be HAPPY

                                           still wearing dads t-shirts for pjs

               I'm feeling pale; COLOR ME YOURS       

                                                                     shredded memories. ALL OUT OF TAPE
  he's broken down to the knees
                    Walking in the park became impossible.


         YOU   THOUGHT   I'D    NEVER    FIND    OUT

                                                           time to start a NEW chapter

Kiss me when I least expect

To my not-so-imaginary friend:

Next time I see you, will be the first.

That makes it sound like I hardly know you. But don’t worry. I do.

I know you’re funny because I laugh longer than anyone I know. And the extra 5 seconds is yours.

I know you’re tall because I’m tall. And my brother should be taller than me .

I know you have lots to say because I’m always getting tongue tied, and I know you try to mix your thoughts with mine.

I know it’s you because when I can’t go on, I receive a breath of hope that could only come from an angel.

I know it’s you because I was miraculously fine. And brothers are protective.

Next time I see you, will be the first. We’ll probably laugh and cry. And never wanting to leave your side, we'll finally walk together.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow. *

Until then, tell Papa and Hailey how much I love them.

Dear David,

            It’s not fair. You should be here. You should be in the room next to mine. I’m so sorry that you’re not. I hope you know that it’s only because you’re special. You are too special to have to live in a place like this. Sometimes, I think about you. I think about you and cry. I cry and cry and make believe how things would have been different with you. But for now, I look forward to the day when I can finally meet the one who never left my side. And I’ll know that it’s you. That it was always you. My brother. I love you.

P.S. Thanks for the hug today.

I think sis will need one tomorrow.

*Where the Sidewalk Ends- Shel Silverstein

Take a hike.

I'm helpless in this thick fog of complications.

My arms are becoming weak from all of the pushing and flailing around in emptiness, just searching for something tangible enough to pull me towards clarity. I need the chocolate milk and sprinklers. I need the combinations of a million effortless joys. But in the midst of the fog, I've forgotten. 

I'm so intertwined in the knots of "important things", that I've even stopped having that dream about the fort I build for my future kids. I guess something so petty can't exist in my subconscious anymore. It's these moments that I realize how meaningless simple joys have become to me. Because right now, even bubbles look stupid.

I've been getting like this too much lately. Getting too sad. So I know I have to leave. I have to do something before it gets worse. I get in my car and drive 'till I hit a mountain. Or a river. Or a field. Or any place where I can't see a building. 

It's what I always do. Just go somewhere that I can climb until I become overwhelmed with the power of nature. And as I pray to be reminded of the simple happiness I crave, I become completely alone. This is when I am given the best advice: 

Silence.

I hear nothing but silence. A chance for a moment to feel small, and completely alone. But the good kind of alone. The kind where you are so surrounded by life, that you don't feel alone at all. And your insignificance paints a layer of white onto all of your worries. And as you marvel in the mercy and company of mother earth, you wonder how you could feel so lost in the first place.

That's why I come here. I come for the comfort of the grasses, the trees and the dirt. I come because they don't care about my problems. Yet, in the simplest way, they still care about me. 

People say to look at the big picture. That it will help. But every time I do, I can only see how much bigger the complications have become. So this is me saying to look at the little picture. To notice the small things, and the simple moments. The ones with fruit loop necklaces and rollerblades. The ones where you need to stand alone to appreciate the view, and just breathe. Breathe in the foreign air that overcomes your body with peace. 

 It's simply beautiful.

This is my therapy. It's awake and ruthless. 

But I like it here, because my footprints are the only ones I see.